-Any reference or inference to marriage is meant to be the marriage between a real man and a real woman-

INTRODUCTION

The overwhelming damage done to homes, and the frustration which thwart the joy out of marriages makes it too imperative not to deal with issues needed to be addressed before one get married. This should be so in order to help identify the dangerous signs that one must be warned about before they are trapped. Let us ask the following rhetorical questions; does the bible give us a way to find a good wife or to find a faithful man? In the vast ocean of people, is there any directions God has given by his word? If so why do we still fail to recognize dangerous signs that lead to pitfalls? Why do we fail to implement the guidelines God has set for his institution of marriage?. It sad to find out that sometimes those responsible for the premarital counseling brush or overlook certain essential element and dangerous signs in the process.

We should never take for granted what God has said about marriage, because it has eternal consequences. God uses marriage as the only representation that demonstrates Christ's love for the church, and it is also supposed to be the perfect way that God build sound home and functional society. We have seen the demise and deteriorating of human society equally proportionate to the level of the devil's vicious attack on marriage. This will continue to get worst as long as society continue to take marriage for granted and remove God's restrictions around marriage.

If we really believe the vows we take at the altar then there should be more emphasis on the host of potential and avoidable problems one might face in the marriage during the counseling phase of the relationship. When we say "Till death do us apart", do we really believe this or we just start our lies right at the altar, before God and many witnesses, and bring it into the marriage to destroy it? The statement "Till death do us apart" is exactly what the Holy Scriptures teaches. This is a death covenant sponsored by God, therefore, no one should ever take this oath if they can not take it with a clear conscience and be willing to stay married until death. The disciples had a hard time accepting the terms of marriage covenant as Christ explained. Jesus Christ told them that marriage is not for everyone, but for only those who can abide by the terms as God has set them (Matthew 19:3-12). According to the Holy Scriptures, you can not divorce until adultery or death. Adultery permit one to divorce or separation, but you cannot go and marry another whilst the other is still alive. The intention for separation or divorce during adultery, is to allow the one offended time for recovery and the one who sinned to rebuild their relationship with God and then reconcile (Matthew 19:8; Mark 5:10; Malachi 2:16; Corinthians 7:11). But, obviously if the other is dead it also automatically mean the dissolution of the marriage entirely.

In Malachi 2:15-16, God shows his disgust toward divorce and what divorce does to lives and the family involved. If God hate divorce, and we profess to be God's children, aren't we supposed to hate what God hates? The two prospective couple must know that God can not be mocked, therefore they must understand that divorce is never tolerated by God and they must endeavor to honor the marriage at all cost or they will pay a huge price for breaking the commandment of God. 

Malachi 2:15-16

Jesus said that anyone who marry the person who is divorced commits adultery. The Scriptures also says that marriage is honorable, but God will judge all whoremongers and adulterers (Hebrews 13:4). If you want to go to heaven, then hate what God hates, and love what God loves. There are many Christians that are living in adulterous marriages and they think they are clean. If God opens their eyes to see the shock that is in store for them, they will be fixing these things before the lord comes. The enemy has gotten a lot of people deceived. For example, how simple was it for apostle Peter to be deceived and deny Christ, and how much did it take Judas to betray Christ? Let us ask another question. Were Peter and Judas not told in advance regarding their action? Are we also not told in advance in the Scriptures how God feels about sin? We must never think that Peter and Judas were weak, in fact, they were very anointed and yet they were deceived. There are many in our churches who need to heed this warning before it is too late. We must understand God's condition on marriage before we get into it; it is for life. When comes to marriage, there are no refunds and there is no returns. once you get in, you are in for life. No divorce court can break the marriage covenant and satisfy God's demands. When it comes to marriage and divorce, the world has gotten it wrong just as many churches have. If we will let people know God's mind on marriage, they will take their time to really examine themselves and who they intend to marry and their motives very carefully before they will make the move. 

In marriage, one has to know that it is important to have a capable couple who keep home and not just being mindful of it. There are many women that are going around saying that they don't need to learn to cook or keep a home to marry. They do not know how to make a bed, decorate home or arrange and make home pleasant. There are some, so called marriage counselors and preacher who have taken advantage of the women liberation hype to draw women who are already been deceived into thinking that there are no difference in what a man must do and what a woman does when it comes to task at home (Prov. 14:1). Many men are also naive and have neglected their responsibility given by God to be the head of the home and lead. Some of these subliminal teachings are just tailored to the itching ears of the gullible to amass crowd (2 Tim. 4:3-4).

The Holy Scriptures has an excellent way of keeping home, but since the Christian community has failed to keep ourselves on track, (Prov. 31:27-31; 1 Tim. 5:8) the infiltration of some of the elements of western culture, which is not consistent with the Holy Scriptures, has ripped the fabric of the homes. Nutritious meals are no longer cooked by the lady in the house, but is replaced by preserved food rushed through the microwave, or Chinese food that has to be reheated after been in the refrigerator for one week, or some fast food dripping with grease and fat. And we wonder why obesity, Hypertension and Cardiovascular diseases, etc. are on the rise as never seen in any generation before us?.

Keeping home should involve spiritual responsibilities; being able to come together as family to pray and study the Holy Scriptures to live by them; social responsibilities; how you respond to activities of daily life outside the house; financial responsibilities; able to make living outside the house and manage your finances in a way that does not drain your fund unnecessarily. If one of you or both are squanders whichever money that come to your hands then there is a serious problem. This is a sign of ungodly behavior. Not been able to control yourself and stay within your budget is a serious problem. Do not let people who try to make money out of occasions (funerals, and exaggerated outdoorings) drain your budget. Give as you can afford to the right cause and save for your child's college fund and emergencies.

Proverbs 14:1

1 Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

Proverbs 31:27-31

27 She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. 28 Her sons rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also praises her: 29 "Many women are capable, but you surpass them all!" 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 31 Give her the reward of her labor, and let her works praise her at the city gates.

Sex Must Be Within Marriage

Sex is the gift of God given to be enjoyed within marriage. It is best enjoyed in marriage when it is the derivative of good work done on each other rather than a task. Hence as the man, who is the head, provide comfort, assurance, security and beautify the woman. This should also generate a response from the woman to recognize the man as the head and submit to him and become the right helper, rather than a competitor who seek to find a way to take down her rival.

The wife should enhance the image of the husband by helping him to obey God's mandate to lead by making the right decisions. This mannerism combined with the preparation of physical adornment around each other attract you to each other. The kind of bedroom wear and your night perfume should be coupled with your inner beauty.   

At the end of the day, the joy of having fulfill your God-giving obligations will automatically set the stage for romance and good sex. It is no brainer. Sexual pleasure is part of marriage, but should never be made the central focus to get married. Needless to say one should never discount the need to establish a very good and viable sex life within marriage either, because it is a sin not to as that can create a recipe for sexual temptation outside the marriage.

Any sex outside marriage is a sin against God, regardless what rational we create for the circumstances that led to it. If you think this is a joke let God open your eyes one day and see where many people are, because of sex outside marriage. This is really cost people's heaven (1 Cor. 6:9-18; Matt. 5:28; Hebrews 13:4; Prov. 6:32; Eph.5:3; Gal. 5:19)

Proverb 5:15-18

15 Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well.

16 Should your springs flow in the streets, streams of water in the public squares? 17 They should be for you alone and not for you to share with strangers. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth.

Premarital Sex And The Consequences

Any Christian getting ready or seeking a spouse should bear in mind that God hate premarital sex right off the bat. If you, as a Christian, have involved in sex as single, you need to repent, seriously, and seek God's forgiveness. Get some counseling and devote your life to holy living for some time to make sure you've built your relationship with Christ firmly on his word and spirit. Ask the Holy Spirit to baptize you, and fill you with self control, before you plan to marry.

Premarital sex between prospective couples, destroys trust and it brings embarrassment to you and the body of Christ. You need to understand that having the intention to marry a person does not constitute marriage. Sex before marriage is a serious sin before Jehovah God and it is never left unpunished. If you have slept together with your prospective spouse before you are put together as husband and wife, then there should be immediate separation between the two of you and go through the repentance process. You need to get help immediately from your ministers who know what to do and bring immediate resolution to this serious matter (James 5:16).

Premarital sex usually happened when we fail to  adhere to the early warnings signs which creates disaster; though the temptation is there, many do not heed the warning to avoiding being together at the time and place where sexual temptations are high; during dark hours, going to movies without accountable third person, lack of self control, and been in one's house without supervision. It is better to contract with each other that you will not attempt to do anything to the other in private that arouse the emotions, sexually. Both should also agree that you will not lead the other on, when/if something is done intentionally or accidentally that arouse sexual urges (1 Thess 5:22).

Romans 13:14

14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20

18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Ephesians 5:3-4

3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

James 4:7

7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Dealing With Lack Of Self Control

One has to address the issue of lack of self control, sexually and emotionally, otherwise it builds a footstool for infidelity and physical abuse which will plague the marriage. The lack of self control can also lead people to want to have sex whenever, wherever, and whichever way, this can be a sign of addiction to sex, and in many cases demonic. This is a serious issue that need a serious attention before one gets married, otherwise this same habit will plague the marriage. In some culture having another woman and beating a woman is considered normal, but in Christ it is a sin, therefore any lack of self control that will predispose you to any of these sinful act must be dealt with immediately before it is too late ( Proverbs 6:31-32; Proverb 25:28).

For this reason what Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:9 should never be taken out of context as other conditions might need to be fulfilled or in some cases one might need deliverance to break the power of lust, if it has part to it that let the person go to the length that is ungodly; hence it is demonic.

1 Corinthians 7:8-9

8 I say to the unmarried and to widows:It is good for them if they remain as I am. 9 But if they do not have self- control, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with desire.

Goals And Priority Before Marriage

Your Relationship with God and your level of faith

To prepare yourself for married as a Christian, you need to really evaluate where you stand with God and take the time to seek God's grace to help you identify the areas of your Christian life that is not worked on properly. Answer these questions to evaluate where you stand (1) Have I really repented and submitted to the Lordship of Christ (2) Do I have heaven as my home (3) Is the kingdom of God within me (4) Have I been baptized with the Holy Spirit (5) Do I know my spiritual gift(s) and calling (6) How well am I vested in the word of God, and (7) how much time do I spend in prayer? These questions when answered honestly will reveal to you how serious you been as a Christian. This is important because you wouldn't want to be the baggage that your spouse has to carry, but to be the help that carry the load that marriage brings naturally.

Your academic and career goals

Before you get married, you need to find out what are the things in your life that need to be accomplished or completed before you get married. This is very important and should be done with serious prayer and planning. In some cases you will need a career counselor, because certain things are best accomplished when single, while others are enhanced by marriage. For example, if both are in school and have no financial support except income from your low paying job, you can decide to marry, when all other essential conditions are met, so that you both can team up financially to support each other to succeed. In this case, you need to plan having children at time when both are at a level where academic career is completed or manageable. Should a child come along when the two are still in school, it will place much burden and stress on the marriage, which in most occasions will strain the marriage seriously, so both of you should plan things prayerfully.

Pending plans that might be in conflict

If there are certain things that you have started and will not bring peace into the prospective marriage it is always wise to sort it out before you marry. For example; if you started building a house or invested into business with other family members, it will be better to fix and clarify how you will work things out before you marry, else it can be a source of contention.

Timing The Right Time To Marry

The time to marry is always determined by your obedience to the word of God, your maturity and resources. You need to invest in prayer and go for a proper godly counseling to determine when is the right time. Do not jump into marriage for convenience, it will backfire. When you have gone through the right godly counseling, and you see your fear and doubt addressed properly, that will be the right time for you to put things together and get married. The only fear you should have is the fact that you have not been there before, and this is overcome by faith in God. This type of fear is normal. You need, at this point, draw from the deep mysteries of God's word and the advice from your counselors to help you build a good foundation through faith.

Proverbs 11:14 

14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. 

Proverbs 20:5

5 The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Prov. 30:21-23

21 The earth trembles under three things; it cannot bear up under four: 22 a servant when he becomes king, a fool when he is stuffed with food, 23 an unloved woman when she marries, and a servant girl when she ousts her queen.

Proverbs 11:14

14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

Proverbs 15:22

22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

Just make sure you have prayed and sought the face of God, because after you have studied the word of God and gone through the right counseling, God will speak to you, the Holy Spirit guide you and use your counselors to indicate to you the time. Never be over confident, but rely on God's word and spirit, pray and put your trust in the ability of the Holy Spirit to guide you; watch the visions and dreams you get during this time carefully and do not allow your emotions get the best of you. There are more than one thing that will let you know that you are ready; your confidence level, the dial of your financial barometer, and your maturity. God will give you the comfort of the Holy Spirit when these things are in place, which will indicate that the time is right.

Proverbs. 21:30

No wisdom, no understanding, and no counsel will prevail against the Lord.

Proverbs 24:6

6 for you should wage war with sound guidance -victory comes with many counselors.

Proverbs 25:12

A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.

Proverbs 25:11-13

11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

12 Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.

13 Like the cold of snow in the time of harvest is a faithful messenger to those who send him; he refreshes the soul of his masters.

VETTING A PERSON YOU INTEND TO MARRY

The person you plan to marry should be vetted carefully and any area of the person's life that he or she try to ramp over should be the very area that need to be search out carefully, as that might also be a sign of dishonesty. Do not be afraid to ask hard questions and do not let the possibility of make the person upset or losing the person scare you. If the other person is also looking for a sincere and honest person, then your honest search and hard questions must be considered a plus. Do not prejudge the other person, yet do not presume that all is well either, until at the end of your vetting (Proverbs 18:13)

Never allow anyone to use a major accomplishment in their life to blind you from vetting them properly, because many will use that as a trade-in for those essential moral qualities that are deemed more necessary for marriage. No man or a woman should be fooled by that. Whenever you realize that your potential spouse highlights an accomplishment, such as, education, job and acquired wealth, and does not allow you go pass that to deal with areas you find shady, then it is a sign that their honesty might be questionable.

Always pray and ask God to reveal those things which are hidden and throw the light of his word and spirit in those dark places that seem so obscure to you. Use your renewded mind and process certain clue that must lead you to seek spiritual understanding. Do your own wise investigation and in some instances plan an unannounced visit during the daytime and one at night with someone you can trust to help you do things right. Ask to use the bathroom. Do not let him or her beat you to it and tell you to wait whilst he/she go and sweep, mop and wax evidences away before you go in. That will defeat the purpose. By the way, on your way in and out of the bathroom take a sneakpeak at the bedroom and let the three of the five senses go to work (sense of sight, smell and check how you feel). You might find the bathroom unkept; laundry from 1969 hanging off the hamper, the bed not made, shoes all over the place, underwear hanging off the ceiling fan and the chandelier. The smell of unwashed clothes and leftover Chinese food shooting at each other to see who wins the Golden Globe award for the stinkiest (exaggeration added). If this is what you find, then do not expect to see a spotless, and well organized home three months after your wedding day. If any of the above also described you, then you have a lots of work to do, and do not take it for granted. Get help before it is too late. You need to understand that anyone can change, with their willingness to change through obedience to the help of God.

At the right time talk to the parents as well as the siblings of the prospective spouse. Use godly wisdom in your approach, and weigh whatever you are told very carefully and compare these information with what you have observed for yourself. Do not take the person's relationship with his or her parents for granted. If the person, supposedly a Christian, you intend to marry does not get along with their parents, do not brush over it. This type of attitude is poisonous to any relationship. This is a sign that the person will put you through a misery. Get this resolved or run for your life before you are trapped. Also watch thise who are overattached to their parents, they will also be a terrible frustration for you in marriage.

One should not be unequally yoked with a person they have nothing in common with, because that is a recipe for disastrous marriage. Regardless what is compensated for, if the individual is not a person to have a peaceful conversation, has no interpersonal skill, and cannot team up on your quest for God, then do not risk your peace and salvation. As a Christian when you come around a person, God will let you see warning signals or discern things, and you dare not ignore them, because if you do you will have yourself to blame.

Do not marry anyone simply because they did you good or you are being pressured. Those that do you good, you can send them a "Thank You Card" and move on to find the person that is a match for you and marry. There are many couples that should have sent a "Thank You Card" to each other and washed their hands, but, instead they married the person and are now reaping the headaches of their bad and rushed decision.

A person can be a good Christian, but a bad spouse to match with. The chemistry between the two of you must be right. What you feel about the other person complimentarily, intellectually, their inner qualities, outer mannerism and how encouraging the person is should be considered closely. There should be something godly about the person that energizes you and pull you together.

Proverbs 22:3

A sensible person sees danger and takes cover, but the inexperienced keep going and are punished.

Genesis 24:2-4

2 And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh, 3 that I may make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, 4 but will go to my country and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac."

2 Corinthians 6:14-16

14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,

Address these things Before You Marry:

One should never take for granted what the other person's life has gone through and their predispositions, because that can easily become a baggage you will carry: They need to be addressed properly or it will have a very strong impact on the marriage.

Rape and sexual abuse:

When one goes through rape or sexual abuse what happened in that split moment has future consequences and the resultant effect can take on many dimensions. There are many testimonies about people whose intimacy with their husbands are rocky because of what rape and abuse did to their emotions (2 Samuel 13). In an event that you have experience this unfortunate circumstance, address it and get prayed for to break any possible spiritual residue of them that might be hovering over your life.

Unexplained emotional damages & wounds

When you are planning to marry someone who appears emotionally battered, wounded and troubled, do not jump in as a superman to the rescue, until you have prayed and asked God for direction as to what to do. In some cases you will need a man of God who knows what he is doing, to help by prayer to heal these wounds and repair any damages.

Deep-seated anger towards parents

Sometimes one might justify why they dislike their parents, but as long as God has said to honor them you dare not disobey that command from God, because it has damaged a lot of lives and relationships. Some of these things might need deliverance prayer to get rid of them. For example, deep-seated anger generated by hurt will be spurred whenever any tension in the marriage triggers it. If the woman has an anger towards the father, then the husband can become a trigger and the target. If the man has an anger toward his mother the wife can become a trigger and a target at some point.

Proverbs 20:20

Whoever curses his father or mother -his lamp will go out in deep darkness.

Exodus 20:12

Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Ephesians 6:2-3

Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, 3 so that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life in the land.

Uncleanness

There is an order by which God has set the way to do things or to enjoy what he has created and instituted. When we choose our own way or abuse the way God intended for them to be done, then it becomes unclean. Example, sex are to be done within marriage, otherwise it is fornication or adultery. If it is not done God's intended way, it will yield things like masturbation, pornography, lesbianism, oral sex and the like (Galatians 5:19) One must be honest enough to make sure they get help for any uncleanness before getting into marriage, because it will flare up.

Carelessness And Laziness:

Some Christian excuse their carelessness and laziness as having their focus on the things above. If everybody become lazy then who will do the work that help society to function? The lazy have two kinds of environment; the internal environment and the external environment. Both environment must be kept clean physically and spiritually.

The person who keep themselves from touching dirt but neglect the extended environment, is just lazy. The person who keep the extended environment clean but neglect their body is careless and lack tardiness. Carelessness can ruin a whole life and ministry. There is always a price to pay for any careless act or been lazy.

Proverbs 26:14 - [As] the door turneth upon his hinges, so [doth] the slothful upon his bed.

Proverbs 14:23 - There is profit in all hard work, but endless talk leads only to poverty.

Proverbs 20:4 - The sluggard will not plow by reason of the cold; [therefore] shall he beg in harvest, and [have] nothing.

Proverbs 21:25 - The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his hands refuse to labour. 

Proverbs 6:6-8 - Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: 

Proverbs 18:9 - He also that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster.

Proverbs 24:30 - I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding; 

1 Timothy 5:8 - But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

Proverbs 13:4 - The soul of the sluggard desireth, and [hath] nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. 

Proverbs 6:6 - Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: 

Proverbs 27:12 - A prudent [man] foreseeth the evil, [and] hideth himself; [but] the simple pass on, [and] are punished.

Genesis 2:15 - And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Proverbs 21:5 - The plans of the diligent certainly lead to profit, but anyone who is reckless certainly becomes poor.

1 Timothy 5:8 - But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Proverbs 6:9-11

9 How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? 10 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, 11 and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.

Proverbs 19:24 -The sluggard buries his hand in the dish and will not even bring it back to his mouth.

Proverbs 13:4 -The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. 5 The righteous hates falsehood,

Proverbs 6:6 - Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. 7 Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, 8 she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest.

Proverbs 12:24 - The hand of the diligent will rule, while the slothful will be put to forced labor.

Ungodly behavior. Habits and addictions:

Christ did not saved us to be left to drug, alcohol, nicotine, and sex addictions. One of the serious problems we are facing in this generation, is been told a lie that we should not take the bible literally. The power of God that are seen happened in the life of people as they received their deliverance are replaced with programs that barely scratch the surface of their sequel problems.

People are addicted to all kinds of things and are sitting in churches hoping that one day their program will work. What happened to the conviction that leads to genuine repentance and the work of the Holy Spirit? Do not tell yourself that you will wash the person up once you marry. It takes the individual's genuine repentance (Acts 3:19; Psalm 51:17; Ezek. 33:11). It is going to be harder and complicated to change a person once you are married. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to change a person, so do not try to take over the work of the Holy Spirit. If you are addicted to anything, you do not hang out with people who are also addicted to the same.

Dislike towards prospective in-laws: one never take for granted one's relationship with their in-law when you plan to be married to them, because it will have a profound impact on the marriage sooner or later. You should not expect all your prospective in-laws to accept you and smile whenever they see you, but you should be willing to accept them despite their frauds and shortcomings. You do not have to live with them, but not knowing how to handling yourself around them can ruin marriage because of poor interpersonal skill towards your in laws.

Source of income and accommodation:

The man, especially must have a decent source of income and accommodation. If these things are not in place, then it is a sign that you are not ready. Even if you should say God said, it will still mean that you are not ready. Although you heard God alright, the timing is wrong. Never use God's name to implement anything which goes against word or without the demonstration of his love toward the other person, or applying his wisdom; this is how people take the name of the lord in vain and bring disgrace to the name of lord. Never take for granted the honesty of your prospective spouse and what they do for living, because you might find out later that he is a cocaine dealer or doing some ungodly work for living. I might be exaggerating, but, hey, you never know. The individuals must not be a lazy person and should have the interest of both of you at heart.

Prov. 28: 20

20 A faithful man will have many blessings, but one in a hurry to get rich will not go unpunished.

1 Timothy 5:8

'8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, that is his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Luke 16:11-12

11 So if you have not been faithful with the unrighteous money, who will trust you with what is genuine? 12 And if you have not been faithful with what belongs to someone else, who will give you what is your own?

2 Thes. 3:10-11

10 In fact, when we were with you, this is what we commanded you:"If anyone isn't willing to work, he should not eat." 11 For we hear that there are some among you who walk irresponsibly, not working at all, but interfering with the work of others.

StepChildren

Never assume that the issue of a stepchild is taken care of because you love your spouse. Remember there are many questions you will need to answer before you get into a marriage that already has stepchild. The first question is; is the previous marriage still valid? not only in legal sense, but more also in biblical sense (Matthew 5:31-32). Legally divorced does not biblically constitute divorce. Marriage is until the death of one or the other person or one of the two committed adultery. In the case of adultery, you cannot go and then marry another person because you are divorced from an adulterous relationship, you will be committing adultery too, if you do marry again, according to the Bible.

Find out if the parents of the stepchild were married, if they were not married then you are cleared. If they were married and the other parent is still alive, run for your life to hills. Would you rather obey God's word or the phantom story of a man about divorce and remarriage? When all the biblical guidelines about divorce and remarriage clear you to marry a person with a child, then be realistic and honestly talk about your feeling about having to raise a stepchild, and prepare yourself for that task. Remember, one way or the other you will also have to deal with the other parent of your prospective stepchild, so be prepared and be as godly as you should be in those instance. Remember the Cinderella effect. A study which indicate that stepchildren, in many cultures, are prone to abuse. If you do not address your emotions and your fears about prospective stepchild, it will affect your relationship with this child as well as your spouse. You need to deliberately address your concerns in this regard and ask God to give you a special love for the child so that you can love the stepchild like your own. If you need counseling, do so, it is not a sin.

I remember counseling prospective couple, who the mother of the woman referred to me. During the counseling, by discernment, I realized that there was something hidden, but since they have already set their dates for wedding, and City Hall things already done, I have to use godly wisdom and prep them. I inadvertently asked the man should you find any surprises from the woman after you marry, would you be willing and ready to forgive and accept and still love her? He said yes. I continue with the counseling and I finished all the subsequent sections. After the wedding, it was found out that the ten year old girl who was known to everybody as her younger sister was actually her daughter. I am not sure if the man knew it, and did not want to mention it, but that is a subject lesson. So address issues of stepchild before you get into the marriage and decide to love the child as your own. If you love this child like your own and help bring him or her up God's way, you will inherit a manifold blessing.

Background And Culture

The culture one comes from, what one has been through in life, and educational background influence deeply how steep the downs will be and how high the ups will go in the marriage. This will be the reflections in the marriage. Some of the cultural differences are reconcilable while others are not. Those differences that are not reconcilable, if they will affect your faith and the ability to live peacefully together, then do not force yourself into this marriage. Family background that is rooted in some sort of demonic rituals should be dealt with, or else avoided. Any disturbing symptoms in the person's life that appear to be the cause of events must be addressed and dealt with effectively.

Individual's Faith, And Prayer Life

Know the faith and the spiritual maturity level of a person before you marry them. Both should know their God-given responsibility and place according to the bible. Doing so will give you a clear idea who you are dealing with so that nothing catches you by surprise. Marriage carries with it many challenges so you do not need extra baggage as you will have enough to deal with anyway. What you will need is a spouse that can also be your prayer partner to bulldoze through the problems that are inherited in marriage.

Medical Health And Treatments

It is vitally important that you know the health and medical status of the person you intend to marry. At some point the two of you need to have HIV/AIDS and STDs testing. You will need to disclose any medical condition you might have and the medication you might be taking. This is no secret to hide from your prospective spouse at the time the two are about to solidify your commitment to one another. Do not let your ego get in the way either. This will help both of you to have a clear conscience going into the marriage. If this is not done and it is later revealed, you will come across as dishonest and insincere. This will damage trust going into the relationship.

The Question of How Many Children To Have

Many like to know if it is appropriate to ask how many children one wants to have, and if it is appropriate, then at what time during the vetting or dating to ask. My personal advice is this, the question one should ask should be, "Do you intend to have children?" as to how many children one would like to have is very subjective to various things and circumstances. If you all agreed to have children, then you don't worry about and just continue with your prayer. This question can be asked around the same time you sense the green light turning on. That will be before or around the same time you plan your medical exams. If the other person says I do not want to have any child, then you have a decision to make as soon as possible.

Things To Avoid During The Courtship Or Dating

Bear in mind that you are Christians and not worldly people so whatever you do must be done in decency and in order (1 Cor. 14:40). Since the bible forbid sex before marriage, it should be avoided in the courtship or dating. As we hear young men and women in our churches fornicatng under the noses of church leaders, it behooves you not to be part of that statistics, but be pure. You should avoid anything that will turn you on sexually when you are together alone in places where there is no supervision.

It does not matter how strong you think you are as a Christian, be on your guard when it comes to sexual temptation. Many strong Christian have fallen into sexual temptations, because they thought they were too strong to fall for it. Sexual temptation is like picking up a snake with your bare hand - you will get bitten, or gathering coals of fire in your bosom - you will get burnt ( Prov. 6:27)

Avoid experimenting with your flesh or creating situation where you grant the devil footstool to cause you to fall into sexual temptation before you are put together as husband and wife. The two of you should contract with each other that you will not, sexually, lead each other on or entice each other intentionally, and will not take advantage of an accidental touch,.

There should not be any mouth to mouth kissing. When you are together, avoid bringing your faces too close to each other, because if you can smell each other's breath and you are too close face to face you can easily be tempted to kiss each other. Also avoid inappropriate touch during dating and courting. You will have the rest of the marriage life to enjoy that, so for now keep yourself pure. You should not be railroaded into anything that can lead you on sexually. This discipline is your fundamental moral obligation as Christians (2 Timothy 2:21;1 John 3:3; 1 Cor.6:18). At time of dating, the two of you should take your counseling seriously. The premarital counselor should also take things very seriously.

The Christian should know that dating and courtship does not constitute a marriage, therefore the male and female dating or courting should carefully examine their intentions or motives. Once the two have decided to date or court, parents and ministers must be made aware so that prayer, biblical guidance and directions can be offered.There should be "hands off" as possible to avoid immorality and lustful passion that can drown the voice of God. They should guard against being together alone too long, and always remind each other regarding the need to be pure in thought and action for Christ sake.

1 Cor. 14:40 Let all things be done decently and in order.

1 Thess. 4:2-5

2 For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication 4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:

1 Thes. 5:22

Stay away from every kind of evil.

2 Timothy 2:22

Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

Ephesian 5:4-5

Coarse and foolish talking or crude joking are not suitable, but rather giving thanks. 5 For know and recognize this:Every sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, does not have an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God.

Dangerous signs During Courting And Dating

1. Abuse

Any sign or hint of abuse is a positive signal to drop everything and run for your life. The person is not going to change because you talked them into marriage. Find a way to check also if the other person has been abused as a child or have the temperament to be violent when angry. If doing so is impossible, get parents and neighbors to help you ascertain the fact.

2. Dishonesty

If a person cannot be honest at the beginning, do not expect the person to pick up the habit of honesty somewhere down the marriage road. Do not make up excuses for them because you want them to appear to be the right person for you (Prov. 20:6-7).

3. Inability to make sound decisions

This is very critical, would you like to fly in a plane with a pilot who doesn't know how to make decision and maneuver in a simplest storm or will you feel safe with the pilot who panics at the slightest storm?

4. Mismatch & Irreconcilable Cultural Differences

There was a good reason why God warned Israel not to intermarry with just anyone, even though they had riches and many accomplishments. We should not assume that you can just marry person because you have a feel for them. Unreconcilable characteristics need to be identified and avoided before you get tricked and trapped. A person can be a good friend, a good Christian, but can be the worst couple to ever live with, due to their mismatch attributes.

5. Self-centered & Selfishness

Never take for granted the poisonous traits of self centered and selfishness if found in a Christian you plan to marry. This is a dangerous sign and you need to flee from anyone with these traits in their character, it is ungodly.

AFFECTION AND ROMANCE STYLE

Do not believe that lack of affection and romance will not mess up your marriage, in fact they destroy marriage earlier than you think. Many marriages have fallen apart due to that. The bible wants christian couples to have affection and be romantic toward our spouses. There should be hands off during the dating phase as christians, and remember you don't have to experiment with your bodies to be romantic. Holiness should be the focus, because God rewards holiness.

What the person call affectionate and romance must be judged carefully based on biblical standards. One should be considerate to satisfy the other as the other also seek a way to reciprocate. What you call romantic should not be offensive to the other . Remember, in marriage, new things will require new approach, but let things be done decently and in order. What a person might find romantic today might not be so romantic after sometime.

Genesis 26:8

8 When Isaac had been there for some time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from the window and was surprised to see Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah.

Song Of Solomon 1:2-4

2 Oh, that he would kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is more delightful than wine. 3 The fragrance of your perfume is intoxicating; your name is perfume poured out. No wonder young women adore you. 4 Take me with you - let us hurry. Oh, that the king would bring me to his chambers. We will rejoice and be glad for you; we will praise your love more than wine.

1 Cor. 7:1-5

Now in response to the matters you wrote about:"It is good for a man not to have relations with a woman." 2 But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another sexually - except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self- control.

What The Bible Says About Divorce

It is never safe for anyone to get married without understanding that it is for live until death do you apart. God's hatred towards divorce should not be heard the first time at the altar during the exchange of vows. It should be integral and essential part of the initial teachings and counseling. There are a lot of misguided teachings that are either implied or emphatically taught that one can divorce and remarry while the other person is still alive. This kind of teaching is never supported by the Holy Scriptures; hence deception. When situations in one's marriage get very bad to the point that it involves violent moments, then separation might be necessary whiles the cause of discourse is been addressed and fixed. Violence is never permitted by God within any marriage and should be avoided at all cost.

Malachi 2:14-16

14 Yet you ask, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have acted treacherously against her, though she was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant. 15 Didn't the one God make us with a remnant of His life- breath? And what does the One seek? A godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously against the wife of your youth. 16 "If he hates and divorces his wife," says the Lord God of Israel, "he covers his garment with injustice," says the Lord of Hosts. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously.

Mark 10:2-12

2 Some Pharisees approached Him to test Him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" 3 He replied to them, "What did Moses command you?" 4 They said, "Moses permitted us to write divorce papers and send her away." 5 But Jesus told them, "He wrote this command for you because of the hardness of your hearts. 6 But from the beginning of creation God made them male and female. 7 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], 8 and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate." 10 Now in the house the disciples questioned Him again about this matter. 11 And He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 Also, if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

Romans 7:1-

1 Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.

Talk About These Subject Before Marriage:

1. The family you come from

You can not just go to any family and get married to a person from that family. Whatever in the family, either blessings or curses can be inherited. There was a good reason why Abraham warned chief servant not to get a wife for Isaac from the people around him.

2.      One's relationship with their parents

The bible tells us to honor our father and mother. This is a commandment with a promise attached to it. Do not ignore a person's bad relationship with their parent and assume that it is nothing. It will have a dire consequences on the marriage.

3.     Tardiness Cleanliness

Tardiness and cleanliness has profound impact on relationships. All prospective couples need to make sure this area is observed carefully, because it will complicate things in the marriage.

4.    Source of Income

There must be a decent source of income to take care of bills and to provide for daily necessities. The kind of job one does should not be a secret as you both take the time to know each other. Be honest about what you do for living. If you are an air hostess do not say you are the pilot. A person should love you for what you do as long as is godly and decent job, otherwise it is worthless dealing with them (1 Timothy 5:8)

5.    Debt and Loans

As always, most contentions in marriages has been about money or the sort. One has to be open about their debt and loan from the get-go so that there will be no surprises. Not doing so will create mistrust.

6.    Communication

The art of communication is very important in every marriage. What is said and how it is said and how it is perceived has a very strong impact on how well the two of you will communicate in the marriage. One need to learn that the person they are talking to has perception of what is said. The one at the receiving end must also be gracious not to read too much into the other person's intentions until it can be justified (Proverbs 15:1-2; Colossians 4:6; James 1:19)

We can influence perception and give a different taste to them by seasoning our words with salt or responding to a harsh words with a buffer to take the acidic content out of the communication. We should also learn to be a good receivers as well, otherwise our communication with our spouses will not be lively. It is very frustrating to communicate with a person who does not respond accordingly or does not know how to have love filled conversation, and have no patience to equally listen but to talk. Do not always be at the receiving end to enjoy the sweet things either, but be able to return privilege or the favor.

Proverbs 15:1-2

1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.

Colossians 4:6

time. 6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

James 1:19-21

19 Know this, my beloved brothers:let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

1. Culture And Educational Background

The cultural differences ought to be viewed through the lenses of each one's ability to adapt. If your cultural differences clashes on the bases of things too dear to you to let go, then in the absence of the other person's willingness to adapt will mean a mismatch. It will be like putting a wrong piece of a puzzle in place, you can force it and glue it in place, it will still stand out and warp after sometime. It is important for a person who decide to marry different culture to discern with a lot of consideration to the fact that it might be beneficial, but if the two of you do not find the pointage for basic agreement, godly love and holiness, then it will not worth the counselor's time and your effort of putting yourselves together (Amos 3:3)

The educational background of the other person is very important, yet one need to understand that it is not a prerequisite for marriage. In our fast pacing society, your good education will help you land a decent job. If a person you plan to marry have lesser education, but you love the person and everything else matches and you are willing to make some sacrifices, then it is alright. Especially when your prospective spouse is also willing to improve on their deficiencies. Sometimes God will let you cross path with a particular person as your prospective spouse only so that you will be the one to help them better their christian life and improve the lack in their life. This decision need to be done prayerfully. Avoid writing people off too quickly, because you can know the potential of a person, by the attempts or efforts he/she has made.

INDIVIDUAL RESPONSIBILITY

There should be a way for the two who are planning to marry to sit down and discuss (Ephesians 5:22-30) and outline everyone's part. After each one has read their responsibilities in this scripture and memorize them, exchange the outline, study it and talk about how you are going to accomplish them. Talk also about what each is going to do or offer in order to help your spouse fulfill their part. At the end, the two should take time and with concerted effort, in the spirit of unity, pray asking God to help fulfill this solemn obligation (Matthew 19:18). Both should know their strengths and weakness and work on yourselves to improve upon them. Be willing to take constructive criticism and work to improve yourself in the spirit of humility.

Ephesians 5:22-30

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body.

In this scripture you will find the mind of God regarding individual's responsibility, and do not let this generation or culture give you their poison of indifference. The world has gone astray as we see men not satisfied been men and women not satisfied been women. Something has terribly gone wrong. Society is slipping away from the consciousness of God at the speed of light. The nations are reaping what they sown over year of slippery slope into deep godlessness and compromised morality. So called Christian are divorcing at high rate just as the worldly people does. This is because people refuse to heed the guide God has given to know what their responsibility in the marriage is.

People are remarrying whilst the person they just divorced is still alive, because they don't think they a responsibility to God. The teachings of the Holy Scriptures has been made a supplemental literature to personal opinions. Then how dare we blame God for the woes of society. He has not forgotten what he has said. He judge everyone by the same word that many have rejected (Hosea 4:6). Let a man be a man and a woman be a woman as God has made us. Don't let any ungodly precept sway you from the word of truth, because by the truth God will judge every deeds. 

The responsibility of the man is to provide protection, comfort, security and provide for the wife and the family. He must also learn how to assist with the children's home work, the up keeping of the home and with meals whenever necessary. You need to have a plan in place as to how you are going to secure the wife and the family spiritually, financially and academically. Learn to put aside some money for the children's college and some on the side for emergency situations. Make money readily available for the wife who is prudent in spending and virtuous in taking care of the home, and some extra to beautify herself as the lack of it drain your interest in her to some extent, because no one get distracted outside by the things they already have at home. Let people know how much you value the wife and complement her for the good things she does. The woman should learn to prepare healthy and tasty fresh meal for the husband and family and take cleaniness of their environment seriously. The woman must show respect to the man and let those outside recognize the same. Show appreciation for what the man does, by what you do and say, as that encourages him to discharge his responsibilities with joy. The man must be able to provide a plan to resolve conflict and be the leader who forgive easily, otherwise Satan will have a footstool in your marriage (Matthew 5:23, 15:15; Galatians 6:1-5; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12-16) These things are not just a task, but they also help heightens and enhances your romance life in the marriage.

If you took the time to genuinely read this counseling material and are willing to obey God's word, then I pray that God give you successful marriage. If you did not think you needed anyone's opinion then I want to let you know that God is not mocked. My opinions are clearly stated, but not without biblical insight. To submit to the word of God is the first sign to successful marriage in this wise..

If you are obedient to His Word of God, then may He prove to you that his word has power. The Lord Make You Like The Vine By The Waters.

Happy Searching And See You At Your Wedding Day!

In Jesus Christ's Name!